Friday, November 26, 2010
i brainstormed @ 5:02 PM
Argh. Guess trying to sleep things off doesn't work sometimes. Still woke up with this fear and trepidation which only seem to be growing every few days. I know I shouldn't let those thoughts fester but I really can't help it.Oh God help me, I don't want life to move at this quick a pace. I'm starting to crumble under this pressure.As it is now, only mentions of what is expected of me have been made. But the pressure is becoming so real now that the end of my tertiary education draws nigh.I really dare not say too much because people I know occasionally do drop by and read stuff I write. And most of the people I know can't possibly be that dumb to not catch on.I know this is stuff girls' dreams are made of and whatnot, and I'll come clean and admit that yes, at one point I felt ready and anxious to go that far. Or so I thought.Yes, I can still broach that topic now with a certain measure of genuine interest. But nobody knows how scared I've suddenly become over the past three months. I'm terrified of failing. I cannot know for sure that I'll be able to deliver. And because of that, I'd really rather not risk the chance of disappointing anyone at all. Especially since their expectations of me are running that high.All of this is surfacing because I simply cannot let it fester inside of me any longer, and well, I have this really strange feeling that something big is gonna happen soon. I truly hope it doesn't because it's not that I won't or don't want to give you the answer that you're expecting. But I really cannot stand the thought of dragging someone down with me.I am not a good person inside. Look at how much trouble I've caused since July. I know you said it was beyond my control but the fact is, it all happened on my account and that fact still tries to eat at me everyday. ='(I am highly individualistic and while many people think that is a unique and/or positive thing, it really isn't y'know. Yes, it all sounds grand and dandy on paper but I'm the horrific living proof of what having a "personality that is unlike most girls" is really like. Don't lie to me and say that at some point you didn't wish I was different.And it is for those reasons that I really cannot bear to disappoint anybody who means anything at all to me. Yet, nobody can seem to see that all of this is just a setup for me to fail at something I'd really hate to fail at. This is not a game.I'm still too young and immature for all this to be laid on my shoulders. And as I've said so many times before, I really wouldn't blame anybody if you were to choose the exit. I would gladly throw my life away for you. But I don't require, expect or want your reciprocity in that manner because you'd clearly be shortchanged.Sigh. I'm starting to loathe the person who brought all this up a few months ago. And now I'm feeling less and less able to eat. The thought of graduating used to hold a lot of excitement for me. Now I'm just bloody terrified, waiting in fear and trepidation. Feeling less and less hungry. And I wonder why I've lost weight when I'm singling out all of life's pressures and dwelling on them. =(Reconnecting with old friends, making new ones and trying to cheer up the ones I already have helps to keep my mind off my own troubles. I know that there is a possibility that I could be fretting over nothing, but there is also the possibility that there really is something bigger and darker underneath all of this.It's not like my life is all that great now, but... it could get worse. And it would definitely feel worse for me if I knew I had affected someone in a less than positive way. I can bear to do that to myself of course, but never to anyone else. I suppose that that is why, deep down, I am actually a very solitary creature. I enjoy hanging out and all, but most of my friends are kept at a distance of at least an arm's length to keep them from seeing too much of me.I suddenly miss the warmth of the sunshine. =(I'm not emo-ing by the way. I'm just really petrified of life and what I know is in store for me at the moment. Not that I don't want those things. I'm just so not ready to be what people expect I can be, even if it simply means for me to be someone good.Labels: ramblings, thoughts
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